Category Archives: sexuality

When Julian first began dancing at the age of 3, we enrolled him in a jazz/tap/ballet combo class offered through the Batavia-IL park (or rec) department. It was okay, but not great. A year or so later, we enrolled him at Moves Dance Studio under the tutelage of Kim Farrah. There he thrived and really began his serious dance training.

The first year he attended classes at Moves, he danced with Kim. The second year, I think, he began taking some classes with Anthony Foster. Anthony was the first male dance teacher Julian had ever had, and he loved him. He especially loved the fact that Anthony had begun as a break dancer, although by this time he was an accomplished dancer in most areas, including ballet.

Julian took both hip hop/break dancing and ballet classes from Anthony. Eventually, I asked Anthony to work with him in private lessons. I already knew that Julian needed that type of male mentor to help him along. Anthony provided just that.

I can still remember the two of them at the bar in their black tights, black ballet shoes and tight white shirts. Anthony towered over Julian; Julian looked up to him with such respect and awe.

Both Anthony and Julian have come a long way since then. Julian is dancing in a pre-professional company and just returned from a summer at American Ballet Theatre’s New York intensive. Anthony is the artistic director for his own  pre-professional dance company, Soleunique, as well as the managing director for Moves Dance Studios pre-professional program. A choreographer, dancer and educator, Anthony’s all-encompassing and diverse training background includes authentic tutelage in the forms of classical ballet and classical jazz under direct descendants of George Balanchine and Gus Giordano. Supplemented by break dance and gymnastics in his early years, Anthony quickly made the transition from street to stage and a few notable small-screen appearances, such as on season 1 of Fox’s So You Think You Can Dance and in music videos for the artists Echo & Groove Jam. His stage credits include leads in the ballets, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Les Patineurs, and The Last Waltz as well as performances with the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. When not at his home base, Anthony travels the U.S. as a guest instructor and choreographer for professional companies, studios, dance conferences and conventions. He has had the honor of teaching on faculty for Columbia College Chicago, The College of DuPage, The Embracing the Dream dance conference, has been traveling the U.S. with The Deux and is now on faculty for Dance Masters of Wisconsin.

That said, I’m so pleased that when I asked Anthony to write a blog post for me, he accepted. (In fact, he wrote two! I’ll be posting the other one later.) I simply asked him to write about boys and dance. Here’s what he had to say:

Boys & Dance

By Anthony Foster

choreographer/dancer/educator


As most gentlemen do, I started serious dance at a later age—in my teens.  Fortunately for my teachers and for me, I had a history of competitive gymnastics under my belt. This provided a massive catalyst towards flexibility, though we used different and opposing muscle groups in the two activities. I also had many years of “street” and break dance behind me.

Even with these experiences, I found it a strange thing to move from one facet of dance to another.  When anyone (male or female) grows up dancing their own style without knowing a completely different world of dance exists out there—one full of steps, counts, vocabulary, and terminology—and then moves into a structured dance environment, it is a complete shock to the system. You go from knowing it all to knowing absolutely nothing!

Long before competitive dance television shows and when MTV actually showed music videos, my sister and I would sit in front of the T.V. and learn moves from shows like Dance Party USA, MTV’s The Grind, Soul Train, etc. We would constantly go out to teen dance clubs and school dances just to get our groove on. The dance steps we used had no structure or discipline; our dancing was so raw.

Thinking back to my first few dance classes, I have to relate a story about when my sister and I went to see the movie Step Up in the theater. In a scene where Channing Tatum experiences his first real rehearsal, he says, “What the hell is a pique?”  My sister and I must’ve been the only dancers in the audience at the time, because all the belly laughter was coming from our seats. I would have to admit that my experience in those first classes wasn’t much different from his.

Catching up to the much-younger and more-experienced females in every class was a challenge I took very seriously.  Never did I find it embarrassing. The dance studio was my “safe place” at a time when things in my youthful household were falling apart at the seams, making it easier to focus my attention on training.

As I learned about dance in general, I also discovered a few things about boys and dance. For males in the world of dance, it’s different than for women.  Everything about what we do in dance is different—from the way we stand, offer an arm and even walk across the room. There is nothing feminine about what boys or men do in dance.

Unfortunately, in some cases, boys are products of an environment saturated with females, and the boys have little or no access to positive male role models as instructors.  As a result, some boys have a tendency to mimic the girls they see in class and often learn to have a strong, feminine presence in the studio or on stage. This is not the boys’ fault, as they are simply following the direction of their instructors.  Many male teachers have been discussing for years why male teachers are expected not only to make a male dancer look like a strong male but also (even more so) to ensure that female dancers are trained accordingly. Yet, most female teachers look at a boy and say, “Just do it like a boy.”

Similar to sports, dance is athletic and demanding.  Many of you probably have seen the tee shirts that state, “If dance were easy, they’d call it football.” Dancers, male and female, are some of the hardest-working individuals on the planet (right beside gymnasts).  This art form involves more than running fast, catching a ball and hitting the guy who has the ball as hard as you can.  It requires knowledge of your body, of your muscle groups and of how to move your body to get successful results.

Additionally, dance sees no gender, and we thank Mr. George Balanchine for deciding men are more than props for women in ballet.

It’s a fact that boys in dance are ridiculed, picked on and looked at as “sissies.”  I’ve been in my fair share of arguments and have come pretty damn close to fist fights over such labels.  In the end, I can laugh all the way to the bank when the guys who were making fun of me in high school are still punching their timecards at the warehouse while I get to work with great-looking, young females everyday! (Thanks, Mom!) I know this is not exactly every male dancers’ cup of tea, but hey…

Let me also mention, that there is a misconception that all males that dance are homosexual. What, ballet makes a boy gay?  If that is the case, you can forget everything you might know about the soft and pretty. Male dancers, in this day and age, are surprisingly strong!  Most can jump higher than an Olympic high-jumper, kick their legs harder than the worlds’ best soccer player, and lift weight comparable to body builders (in some cases).

My tips for boys,whether you’re just thinking about getting into dance, have recently begun or have been a veteran for years, are as follows:

  • Stick with it.  You are the change we will see in this industry.
  • Trust your body, and take risks.
  • It’s an strange world to enter, but the rewards last forever.
  • Do some research on the following strong, male dancers: Desmond Richardson, Rasta Thomas, Mikhail Baryshnikov, Rudolf Nureyev, Nick Lazzarini, Danny Tidwell, Keith Clifton, Barry Youngblood, Gregg Russell, and Gregory Hines.
  • Boys, you are loved and supported in this industry.
  • Do not skip any steps and sign up for the proper level of class.  If you’re 15 years old and in ballet class with nine year old girls, so be it!  Your time will come.  Be patient and good things will follow.
  • Even if you are starting late, like I did, you can become a great male dancer. Male dancers have the ability to catch up with their female counterparts quickly. But don’t forget you can’t succeed in the world of dance with less technique than the women have obtained during all their years of training. You’ll have to work really hard to obtain that level of technical proficiency.

Things are gearing up again. Julian has been practicing an old routine of his from a few years ago called “Hats” for solo studio performance on Thursday. We didn’t realize that he could actually perform in this event, so he didn’t prepare a solo. (We’ll know for next year.) So, he pulled out his very-successful piece, choreographed by ReMinD, otherwise known as Aristan Rinpoyla. When Julian competed this number, he won lots of awards for the unique choreography which is a bit like the movie “Mask;” each time he puts on a new hat, he dances a different type of hip hop.

While those who make the decisions about who performs what at the studio weren’t too keen on Julian doing a hip hop routine, they actually found the choreography “entertaining,” and allowed it into the show. Another point for ReMinD!  Julian has since been trying to get the piece back up to performance level. I’m not sure it will be quite there with just 2 weeks of sporadic rehearsals, but it will be okay.

Tomorrow, he begins rehearsals for Copellia with Los Gatos Ballet. Since tech rehearsals for this productin were in close conflict with Teen Dance Company’s concert tech week, we were afraid he wouldn’t get to do the performance. However, he’s been allowed to do it with the caveat that if his school work starts affecting attendance at TDC, he has to drop out of Copellia.

His grades are getting a bit better, I’m happy to say, and he’s only missed one assignment in 3 weeks or so. However, his honors English grade is in the basement (and that’s putting it really nicely). We’re hoping he brings it up so he doesn’t have to attend summer school. If that happens, he can kiss his ABT summer intensive scholarship and experience goodbye. That would be a shame.

This weekend he is off to The Pulse to dance with the choreographers of So You Think You Can Dance. He’s excited about that. Although he does get to work with Mandy Moore occasionally, and she isn’t with The Pulse, he hasn’t worked with Tyce Diorio, Mia Michaels, Shane Sparks, Brian Friedman, or Wade Robson before.

I’m hoping to get to the convention to watch as well, since I’d like to see these people operate myself. However, my daughter has a synchronized swimming meet on Sunday…Can’t ever be on a different day, can it?…so I’m going to miss a few of these choreographers in action. I’m sure Julian will have a blast, though.

It’s the Friday before the holiday break. Normally, I’d be breathing a sigh of relief. No dance for two whole weeks! No getting up early for school!  Less driving! Less stress! No homework hassles!

But no…not in this household. Instead, I’ll be managing my delinquent son’s midterm study schedule (and habits…or lack thereof) and his community service schedule (for an English project and for a misdeed he’d rather I not mention). This requires overseeing use of his cellphone (texting)  and computer, as well as TV time. It also means overseeing study groups, so they don’t become social time.

I’ll also be working…or trying to work. And I’ll be attempting to play mediator between Julian and his Dad, who really would like to come down hard on him about his grades and schoolwork…or, again, lack thereof.

On that note, after discussing Julian’s desire not to do his homework or study for tests (although he assures me – again – that he is now going to do so) with a therapist friend of mine, I have been encouraged to take my husband’s side and take away dance if need be. Now, I was leaning this way already, and had told Julian that if he kept not turning in assignments and getting zeros, he would, indeed, leave us no choice but to take away dance. (I mean, there’s nothing left to take away…the Ipod, texting, social life, computer and TV time are all gone or have been gone at some point with little effect.) But last night we actually discussed it, and I told Julian that after his big show at the end of January we would implement some sort of consequence structure that involved losing dance for a week or more depending upon the number of missed assignments. I’m not sure if it will be a zero tolerance policy or what.

Julian’s first question was, “Does that mean missing Saturday classes and rehearsals, too?” The reason he’s concerned about this is simple: If he misses rehearsals on Saturdays often enough – more than just one or two times – he risks losing his spot in a piece of choreography. However, if he isn’t there on a weekday or a weekend when they bring in a choreographer and do auditions for a piece, he’ll also not have a chance to get into that piece of choreography. He might also miss out on being in piece of student choreography, which also requires an audition and attendance at rehearsals. So….missing a week here, two weeks there, or a whole month, could mean not getting to perform in the spring show. It also means letting down his fellow company members.

Don’t get me wrong, I hate this consequence. The last thing I want is for Julian to lose dance, but what the heck are we supposed to do? Let him keep dancing while he gets Cs and Ds in school simply because he won’t do the homework and turn it in or take the time to study for a test? He needs to learn to manage his time and to be responsible. Period.

Tough love. It’s as tough on the parents as the kids. I’ve spent quite a bit of time crying over this issue and my son this week, let me tell you. Chalk it up to perimenopausal hormonal swings if you will, but this whole thing is driving me crazy. I’ve got indigestion every day. I eat more Tums than food.

If anyone has a better solution, let me know. My therapist friend assures me that high school freshman are the worst age group to deal with. They don’t deal well with going from the top of the heap (in a three-year middle school) to the bottom of the heap (in a four-year high school). They feel out of control (and try to gain it in inappropriate ways). They are searching for themselves (in all the wrong places). Actually, my daughter also didn’t turn in work or study for tests all through her freshman year in high school, but her grades were Bs and Cs, not Ds bordering on Fs. (To give him some credit, he does have a B in geometry and in drama. He did have a B in science for a while, but I’m sure that’s a C now.)

One another note, and as a follow up to my last post, this same therapist friend told me that most kids know their sexuality by the age of about nine. This other young man who sent Julian into a tailspin about his sexuality last week said he always felt “different,” and that says a lot. It points to the fact that he has always – on some level – known he was gay. Julian, on the other hand, has never felt different in that way. He’s been different in that he wasn’t accepted, but he has been just like the other boys wanting to do “boy things” like play sports, skateboard, play with swords and guns, etc. And he liked girls and still does. Now, this could, as I said before, change. And he might dabble and experiment. And I could turn out to be wrong, and so could he, about his sexuality. That’s, however, what my friend had to say, so I thought I’d pass that footnote along to all those parents wondering about their own son’s sexual preferences.

By the way, I started a discussion thread in the new My Son Can Dance Support Group  or  ”chat room.” It involves male dancers and being teased about sexuality. Check it out at the bottom of this blog under the links. Sign in and start chatting! Or follow this link: My Son Can Dance Support Group.

For those of you who are Jewish, like me, Happy Chanukah! And don’t forget to buy your son’s some T-shirts. Check out My Brother Can Dance T-shirts and Dance Wear. If you order right away, you might even still get your shirts by Christmas. You can get all three shirts (or just 1 or 2)  for an Express Shipping fee of under $9!

Well…it seems a few of Julian’s missed assignments were caused by some emotional turmoil on my poor son’s part. After much lecturing and talking and discussing – yes, I let him talk, too – Julian spilled the beans. A fellow male dancer who is not shy about admitting he is gay told Julian he thought all people were at least a little bisexual and that Julian was, in fact, bisexual. Julian, who has liked girls since he was old enough to do so and has never questioned his sexuality before, suddently began to have doubts even though he’s never had any romantic or sexual feelings for the same sex in his life. This sent him into an emotional tailspin last week egged on by texts and FaceBook notes from this other young dancer.

I’d like to thank this young man…Really. (I’m being sarcastic. I needed this like a hole in the head…as did Julian.) I suppose, however, that  every male dancer at some point wonders about his sexuality, and maybe it’s just Julian’s time thanks to some instigation on this other boy’s part. We could have waited a bit longer, though.

Julian and I talked long and hard and, given that he hasn’t had any inclination towards homosexuality or bisexuality, we’ve taken this tact: Focus on the facts – you like girls. If, and when, you find yourself having feelings for boys, we’ll deal with it. Until then, you are heterosexual.

I can (and did) make some assumptions about why this young man (still in high school) said these things to Julian, but they are just my assumptions. I’ll probably never know the truth. What I do know to be true, however, is that since Julian happens to respect and look up to this boy, who is a better dancer and has had some professional dance experiences, his words, of course, influenced Julian to a great extent. I told Julian that, too. It’s so easy to let other people’s opinions and words affect us, especially when we respect or look up to them. Despite the fact that Julian feels he and this other boy are a lot alike, I cautioned my son that only he can know who and what he is. The problem lies in the fact that this boy confused an otherwise very clear minded boy – at least on this topic.

I suppose every parent of a male dancer also has to wonder if at some point they’ll have to have this conversation with their son…and if their son will say, “Hey, Mom (or Dad), I’m gay.” And how will you react?

Right now, I’m wondering how much these young dancing boys are influenced by the other men and boys they are around, so many of whom are actually gay. It’s difficult to find male dance teachers who are straight. I’m glad Julian has at least one… But when you stick a straight boy in among so many gay men and boys, do they somewhere along the line begin feeling like they should be gay because they dance? They could easily say, “Everyone else is, so why shouldn’t I be, too?” Or maybe it’s actually that they decide, “I should be gay. All the other male dancers are. If I’m not, there must be something wrong with me.” That’s an interesting nature vs. nurture questions, isn’t it? Might they be more accepted among their peers? That’s a scary thought. (And that’s exactly where my thoughts went with this incident.) Something to think about…

For now, I think I’ve quelled some of the upset and self-doubt with Julian. I’ve been thinking of having him talk to a counselor about his issues with homework, and I suggested that he talk to one about sexuality as well. Right now he doesn’t feel the need. I might have him do it anyway…

I’ll be curious to read your comments. And if anyone would like also to discuss this issue (or any other), you may have noticed that I recently set up a the “My Son Can Dance Support Group, A Social Network for Parents with Sons Who Dance.” You can access it right here on this blog…Go to the bottom and look under the links. Sign in and start chatting! Or follow this link: My Son Can Dance Support Group. There readers can chat together about topics that relate to their dancing sons!